Please God!!!

Please God, may I be back to normal? May I please be healthier than I have ever been? I have been chronically ill since I was 17. Please give me the motivation to push myself through this. I have to do this for me, my children, my husband, and the rest of my family. I take things for granted so much and just do what I want, as far as taking care of myself.  I need the motivation to exercise and eat healthier. Well, I must say, I have the reason to do it, I just can't seem to get going yet. I can't deny it, this has been depressing. I have to make myself get outside and just sit in the sunshine. Just 10 minutes makes a difference. The house we are living in now doesn't bring in much sunshine and I am missing my house. I closed on my house April 28. I am glad it sold, but I will be so glad to get in our new house. Lots of windows, shade, and happiness will be in this house. Thanks to my husband, he hasn't let me back down on what we have wanted in this house! The most important thing I need for this house though is a blessing on it!!! Please pray our house is full of love and happiness and most importantly, God!!

Today is father's day!! I have the most amazing dad!! He has been by my side through everything!! I don't think I could have made it through without my dad. When I had my bowel obstructions 5 years ago, it was like my dad got 20 years younger. He took care of me in every way! My mom, bless her heart, helped me take care of Riley, which is a job in itself! My dad cleaned my incision (which had to heal from the inside out one time), gave me my TPN every night through my IV while I was at home, gave me shots in my leg (yuck) made sure I stayed as happy as possible, and must motivated me every day!! Thank you God, for such a loving, caring dad!!

My sister just sent me some bible verses because I'm being a whiny butt!! I'm begging for prayers to get me through. Not too scared to ask!!!

Isaiah 40:27-31
<< Isaiah 39 | Isaiah 40 | Isaiah 41 >>

27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God”?
28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

ok, I'm waiting on you, Lord!! I will have renewed strength. Yes, I feel depleted. I pray the holy spirit lifts me up because I AM WEARY!! Dang, I don't mean to make this so depressing. Just being honest! I know I will get beyond this and I will mount up with wings like eagles!!!

I pray for you, I pray for me, and I pray we all see our blessings through our battles.

May the peace of Christ be with you!!

I need some cheese with my "whine"....

Shame on me....It has been too long!! It has been a little rough the last few months, but it could have been worse. I have had 5 treatments out of 6 now and I am almost done. My body seems to learning to deal with this chemo a little better, but I am getting more and more tired with each treatment. I don't know how people do this for years and still keep their head up. I so admire the friends I have that have had stronger chemo and keep smiling. I see pictures of my friend from college, Marsha, who has been dealing with breast cancer for years and she is smiling big! I am so proud of her and am so inspired! But then I let myself get pissed off, yes I said it! I thought I had met my quota! Crap...sick AGAIN??!! really? I know....I'm almost done!!! I still have to meet with the doctor about doing radiation. They have been telling me all along I probably won't have to do it, but now they are on the fence about it! I am praying i won't have to. After all this is done, I will have another MRI, CT scan, and a bone scan. They will check to see if there is more fluid on my abdomen again. If there is, they will check that again. Somehow...they didn't check for cancer cells the first time. I also have 2 spots on two ribs that they are confident are not cancer, but probably just a previous injury. I am praying those spots are exactly the same when I go back. I know, sounds crazy. If they have changed, then they might be cancer after all. The radiologist said in the first report that there was a 35% chance it was cancer. I haven't been worried about it, really, but as it it closer to doing more tests, I think about it a little more.

With all that said....I do still have times of feeling inspired and motivated. Today I am feeling the strong desire to get completely healthy and in the best shape I've ever been when I get past all this. I think we are going to buy a Wii fit so I will have no excuse. Riley loves anything to do with the Wii, so she will do it with me too. We are also building a house and that has had me a little distracted too. I am excited about having a fireplace and a big tub. Riley, of course, always keeps me on my toes and completey keeps me from getting too down on things!! She has been going to SEACT camp this summer (acting camp) and she loves it. We went to her play on Friday and I was so impressed with my child's ability!! She really IS GOOD!! I know, I am her mother, I am supposed to say that, but really, you should see her act! She is trying out for "Willy Wonka" the end of July. We are both looking forward to it. I hope she gets a part, even if it is an Oompa Loompa...is that how you spell it?

so....I am counting down the days! In 19 days I will have my last treatment!!!  Two weeks after that, we are supposed to close on our house, that same weekend Riley will try out for the play, 3 weeks after that Riley will start the 4th grade. By October we will have a little chill come through and I can use my fireplace for the first time, in November we will have Thanksgiving at my house for the first time (since I will have a house big enough now), and in December, Scott and I are going on a cruise!! In between all that, my mom and dad will have their 50th anniversary!! Wow...I have alot to look forward to......GOD Willing!  I have become the "persistent woman" in the parable by praying and begging for prayers. I know they work and I know if we ask for God's will, it will be done. I don't know what God's will is for me, but I do still trust it. I have felt spiritually depleted at times and that is when I beg for prayer and rely on the holy spirit to intervene. I know God will get me on the other side of this and life will go on for me as well as for my friends dealing with breast cancer and other illnesses! Whatever "the other side" is, I trust God with it! I pray today for more strength for me, my friends, my family, for more understanding and wisdom, and for more motivation to push myself through this. I feel like I'm in the eye of the storm right now and I can't see the rainbow yet. I know I will see the blessings in my battle. Thank God for my wonderful husband, amazing daughter, supporting sister, and incredible parents. I have amazing friends, neighbors, and bosses!!! Thank you for all your prayers and support through all of this!!

Much love and I pray that you see your blessings through your battles!!