Inspired to blog

uurrhh...Rolling my eyes at my own posts! How corny!! How cliche!!! I feel like I'm looking back at my former, immature self!! Who am I to think my life story would be interesting? I am suddenly not inspired to blog...lol

ok, nevermind!! I'm back!!! I'm am well! Nope, not sick!! yes, believe it!! I look back at my posts and wonder what I've learned, or who I've helped, or what my purpose is. I learn something new every day, so that would take too long, I don't know who I've helped, so no list of people, and only God knows my purpose, so I can't tell you. I'm hoping it will all be clear one day when I'm face to face with God. All in all, I don't have any answers or words of wisdom! I can only hope my experience is useful to someone else and maybe even to myself.

My experiences have been humbling over and over! I still think about suffering and why it is present in this world. My answer? I don't know! I THINK it is because we chose from the beginning of Adam and Eve to not live by God's rules. If we had lived by what God commanded from the beginning, we could still be living in the Garden of Eden. As an accountant, I think of it as compounding sin. I don't think it is our sins, individually, that causes our suffering, but all our sins compounded together. Our sins affect each other. I don't think it is is punishment from God. I think it is our choice to live away from the rules of God as a whole. I have heard a few friends say "then that means God is not all powerful, or all knowing". When I say I don't believe that, then they say "then God is an uncaring God". I don't believe that either. I don't know why God allows suffering. I wonder if our suffering allows us to become more of the person we are intended to be or if it has a purpose beyond ourselves. Jesus suffered! The prime example of suffering having a purpose. OK, but why did I have to suffer, or that little girl that has a brain tumor? Every time I put on a pair of glasses to see, I think about how clear things are. You don't realize how much you didn't see until you put glasses on. I think on Earth we don't realize how much we don't know or understand until it all becomes clear when we are face to face with God. I don't pretend to have all the answers. I keep trying to dig and understand, while trying to be patient. Atheism is in my face so much lately. I have friends that say they are atheists. What do you say? Who am I to tell you what I believe is right! I will not belittle you and tell you my way or no way. I know what I believe. I doubt things from time to time and even get mad at God, but I am still a Christian who prays every day! I pray for by doubts and for my anger! BUT, I never stop believing. I will not isolate myself from someone who believes something different or tell you you are wrong. I strongly feel what I believe! You can see by the way I live my life or how I react to you. Do I get judgmental? of course I do! I try my best every day not to and to give grace and forgiveness. I am human and so are you. In my opinion, we are all God's children and I am not better than you or lower than you! I will do my best to help you when I can, but will also do my best not to say yes to too many things that I render myself useless. I will do my best not to judge you and to always forgive you, but remember I am not perfect either and I need forgiveness too. I will do my best not to compare my sins to yours just to justify mine. I will do my best to be patient, but I will also do my best to push you to be the best you can be. I will do my best to tell you when I see what you are doing is good! We all need affirmation! I will do my best to affirm you and remind you I love you. I will do my best not to tell you what I believe is the only thing to believe. I will do my best to respect you and love you even if you don't believe the same things I believe. Do your best not to belittle what I believe. My beliefs are precious to me. I will do my best to keep my mouth shut when you do belittle my beliefs. I acknowledge I have many sins! I acknowledge I believe Jesus died on the cross for us as the ultimate sacrifice. I believe our sins are forgiven past, present, and future.

I believe I am tired and am no longer inspired to keep writing!! lol! I love you guys for not rolling your eyes too much at me!
I pray you find your blessing through your battles!

Melissa

Please God!!!

Please God, may I be back to normal? May I please be healthier than I have ever been? I have been chronically ill since I was 17. Please give me the motivation to push myself through this. I have to do this for me, my children, my husband, and the rest of my family. I take things for granted so much and just do what I want, as far as taking care of myself.  I need the motivation to exercise and eat healthier. Well, I must say, I have the reason to do it, I just can't seem to get going yet. I can't deny it, this has been depressing. I have to make myself get outside and just sit in the sunshine. Just 10 minutes makes a difference. The house we are living in now doesn't bring in much sunshine and I am missing my house. I closed on my house April 28. I am glad it sold, but I will be so glad to get in our new house. Lots of windows, shade, and happiness will be in this house. Thanks to my husband, he hasn't let me back down on what we have wanted in this house! The most important thing I need for this house though is a blessing on it!!! Please pray our house is full of love and happiness and most importantly, God!!

Today is father's day!! I have the most amazing dad!! He has been by my side through everything!! I don't think I could have made it through without my dad. When I had my bowel obstructions 5 years ago, it was like my dad got 20 years younger. He took care of me in every way! My mom, bless her heart, helped me take care of Riley, which is a job in itself! My dad cleaned my incision (which had to heal from the inside out one time), gave me my TPN every night through my IV while I was at home, gave me shots in my leg (yuck) made sure I stayed as happy as possible, and must motivated me every day!! Thank you God, for such a loving, caring dad!!

My sister just sent me some bible verses because I'm being a whiny butt!! I'm begging for prayers to get me through. Not too scared to ask!!!

Isaiah 40:27-31
<< Isaiah 39 | Isaiah 40 | Isaiah 41 >>

27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord,
and my right is disregarded by my God”?
28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
29 He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30 Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

ok, I'm waiting on you, Lord!! I will have renewed strength. Yes, I feel depleted. I pray the holy spirit lifts me up because I AM WEARY!! Dang, I don't mean to make this so depressing. Just being honest! I know I will get beyond this and I will mount up with wings like eagles!!!

I pray for you, I pray for me, and I pray we all see our blessings through our battles.

May the peace of Christ be with you!!

I need some cheese with my "whine"....

Shame on me....It has been too long!! It has been a little rough the last few months, but it could have been worse. I have had 5 treatments out of 6 now and I am almost done. My body seems to learning to deal with this chemo a little better, but I am getting more and more tired with each treatment. I don't know how people do this for years and still keep their head up. I so admire the friends I have that have had stronger chemo and keep smiling. I see pictures of my friend from college, Marsha, who has been dealing with breast cancer for years and she is smiling big! I am so proud of her and am so inspired! But then I let myself get pissed off, yes I said it! I thought I had met my quota! Crap...sick AGAIN??!! really? I know....I'm almost done!!! I still have to meet with the doctor about doing radiation. They have been telling me all along I probably won't have to do it, but now they are on the fence about it! I am praying i won't have to. After all this is done, I will have another MRI, CT scan, and a bone scan. They will check to see if there is more fluid on my abdomen again. If there is, they will check that again. Somehow...they didn't check for cancer cells the first time. I also have 2 spots on two ribs that they are confident are not cancer, but probably just a previous injury. I am praying those spots are exactly the same when I go back. I know, sounds crazy. If they have changed, then they might be cancer after all. The radiologist said in the first report that there was a 35% chance it was cancer. I haven't been worried about it, really, but as it it closer to doing more tests, I think about it a little more.

With all that said....I do still have times of feeling inspired and motivated. Today I am feeling the strong desire to get completely healthy and in the best shape I've ever been when I get past all this. I think we are going to buy a Wii fit so I will have no excuse. Riley loves anything to do with the Wii, so she will do it with me too. We are also building a house and that has had me a little distracted too. I am excited about having a fireplace and a big tub. Riley, of course, always keeps me on my toes and completey keeps me from getting too down on things!! She has been going to SEACT camp this summer (acting camp) and she loves it. We went to her play on Friday and I was so impressed with my child's ability!! She really IS GOOD!! I know, I am her mother, I am supposed to say that, but really, you should see her act! She is trying out for "Willy Wonka" the end of July. We are both looking forward to it. I hope she gets a part, even if it is an Oompa Loompa...is that how you spell it?

so....I am counting down the days! In 19 days I will have my last treatment!!!  Two weeks after that, we are supposed to close on our house, that same weekend Riley will try out for the play, 3 weeks after that Riley will start the 4th grade. By October we will have a little chill come through and I can use my fireplace for the first time, in November we will have Thanksgiving at my house for the first time (since I will have a house big enough now), and in December, Scott and I are going on a cruise!! In between all that, my mom and dad will have their 50th anniversary!! Wow...I have alot to look forward to......GOD Willing!  I have become the "persistent woman" in the parable by praying and begging for prayers. I know they work and I know if we ask for God's will, it will be done. I don't know what God's will is for me, but I do still trust it. I have felt spiritually depleted at times and that is when I beg for prayer and rely on the holy spirit to intervene. I know God will get me on the other side of this and life will go on for me as well as for my friends dealing with breast cancer and other illnesses! Whatever "the other side" is, I trust God with it! I pray today for more strength for me, my friends, my family, for more understanding and wisdom, and for more motivation to push myself through this. I feel like I'm in the eye of the storm right now and I can't see the rainbow yet. I know I will see the blessings in my battle. Thank God for my wonderful husband, amazing daughter, supporting sister, and incredible parents. I have amazing friends, neighbors, and bosses!!! Thank you for all your prayers and support through all of this!!

Much love and I pray that you see your blessings through your battles!!

feeling inspired today

Riley and I and one of her buddies, Landry, went to see "Soul Surfer" today. We had heard there were bad reviews on the movie, but we absolutely loved it and were all very inspired. At the moment, Riley wants to be a professional surfer. Hmmm! That will be somewhat hard since we are an hour and 1/2 from a beach, not to mention big waves . Her inspiration is usually fleeting, but I hope she got the message in the story. The story definitley glorified God. The girl in the movie, Bethany, had her arm bitten off by a shark while she is training for an ameteur surf competition. She wonders what God's plan is for her life and realizes having only one arm has allowed her to embrace many more people than she could have with two! I teared up several times. It was good for me to see the movie! It helps me realize even more that being in a situation like this helps you to share your message even more!

I had my second treatment yesterday and actually fell asleep during my treatment. I think I was so worked up the first time, that it didn't phase me that I was sleepy. Riley and Scott were with me this time and they played Mancula the whole time. I wanted Riley to see how easy the process was and since she was on spring break, it was a good oppurtunity. So far, I have felt great and I am praying it will continue. I am hoping for the best, but do expect to feel a little run down. I am hoping since I had an infection last time, that I won't feel as bad this time. I was off today and Scott and I took the opportunity to do more packing. I must admit, I am horrible at packing. Scott is the expert since he was in the military. He handed me a box of pictures and asked if I could pack them up without actually going through them and of course, I could NOT!! I did my best to put them away as quick as I could, but Scott managed to pack up all my Christmas and Halloween stuff while I was looking through pictures. You just can't put pictures in front of me!!! I WILL take a walk down memory lane! That was so cheesy!!! Scott has been so good helping pack everything up!! I will be closing on my house April 29 and have a few more weeks to get packed and everything out. I am so excited!  Then Scott and I can find another house. We have been looking for a year.....really! We keep going back to the same house and hope we are able to get it! Did I say I have the best husband? Well, maybe not the best...he is the best for ME!! I am so thankful Riley was out playing on her slip and slide and Thomas (Scott's son) came running over. Scott came running behind.

Sunday, Shawn will be coming over to move the playhouse over to mom and dad's house. Shawn and his dad built the play house for Riley. Shawn's dad, James, died last summer from a massive heart attack. He was saying while he was building the house how he should have done this a long time ago and constantly reminded us how much he loved us. We don't have the heart to leave the house. It means so much to us. Shawn's family has continued to treat me like family even 6 1/2 years after our divorce! I am so thankful I am still so close to them, even Shawn! He and I promised we would make the best effort for Riley. Shawn is now remarried too and we love his wife, Jessica, and her daughter Emily. We are just one big happy family...lol! It works for us! We all get along so great and I am thankful for it!  I am also very thankful that my new family is so wonderful too!!!

I am done for the night! Getting tired and it won't be long before I am out! Much love to all! May the peace of Christ be with you and may you find your blessings among the battles!!!

Riley wants to post to the blog

This is Riley.....

will  my mom ever get well soon  ? i do not know you might not know ether .You do not know how many times i have made a group to help my mom.I am so tired from the sat and armt tests.BUT i had no homework NONE NOTTA so awesome . But what i am most tired from my mom getting sick it makes me want to cry.

                                    

It has been rough

Not too many witty words today. It has been a rough week. I guess I am a wimp!!! Almost 48 hours after the chemo, it was like I dove off a cliff! Maybe it had something to do with me getting an infection at the same time, but wow, I so admire all the people now and before me that have had to go through this!! My energy sank and I laid around all last weekend hoping I would be on the upswing soon. I ended up having to leave work Monday and Tuesday, but thought I was on truly on the upswing Wednesday. I got an offer and a signed contract on my house on that day and then the FEVER set in. It knocked me to my knees. I won't get into the details, but the j-pouch that was created to replace my colon had a serious infection. I called Thursday and they put me on an antibiotic. My fever spiked up to 102.4 on Friday and all I could do was lay under the covers and sleep. I am not a good sick person....really! I am a cry baby. Just ask my sweet, wonderful boss and my awesome husband!!! I have a wonderful friend who invited Riley over to play with her daughter this Saturday too, so I had the day yesterday to recover as well. The antibiotic finally kicked in some and my fever broke Saturday, but I still feel week. I am a WIMP!! I admit it. I did wake up this morning feeling very inspired to get up and do things. I think I need to see the sunshine too!

There is no hair falling out yet. The nurse told me it was a slim possibility my hair may not fall out at all and it may just thin out. Crossing my fingers, but like I said, I won't die!

I hope this finds you well....and remember there was a blessing in all of this!!! May the peace of Christ be with you and may you find your blessings among your battles!!!

Bitter?

We are gathered here today to get through this thing called...(all together now).........LIFE! I want to say that every time I hear it in a movie or at a wedding. I just love Prince. We have to get through life every day, good or bad. We have no choice, but we do have the choice on how we will handle it. I am not trying to sound like a cliche, but dang it is so true that life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it! Today, well today, I am having fleeting moments of resentment and bitterness. Yes, they are fleeting. I don't normally feel that way long, but I do feel like that every great once in a while. It seems the more I go through, the less bitter and resentful I am. Sounds crazy, huh? Maybe it is the weak body, strong spirit concept. God is working on me through my weak moments. My friend, JoNell, and I use to talk about how "jealousy" was such a wasted emotion. I feel the same way about being bitter and resentful. Why would God give us those feelings? Did he give them to us or do we let the devil lay them on us!? I still get confused and I boggle my own brain when I start thinking about why God would create an angel called Lucifer that he knew would fall and tempt the world. I know God has his master plan and it will all be clear one day, but I still can't help but think about it sometimes. It all ties into why we have to suffer! I don't have the answer, but I do know that Jesus suffered so we would be saved. I don't think God promised us a pain free life with no problems, just a safe landing, as my sister says!

After I had my "j-pouch" surgery to remove my colon and recreate my colon in 2004 , I had multiple bowel obstructions. It was about 2 years after the initial surgeries. Shawn and I had been divorced about 1 1/2 years and I just sold my trailer, finally. I couldn't give it away before that. Riley and I had moved in with mom and dad while I looked for a house. Also, at the same time we were moving the accounting department at Movie Gallery to the corporate office at Hollywood video that we had acquired in the year before that. I and a whole lot of other people were losing their jobs. I was lucky enough to get retention and severance to stay until the last day. I had a job as soon as this one ended at the I.D. Associates, where I am still today. I found a house, made an offer, started working at I.D. and then one night I woke up (at mom and dad's) with the worst, deepest pain in my stomach I had ever felt. I got up went into mom and dad's room and woke them up. I eventually threw up and I felt better. I went back to sleep, but the pain came back with a vengeance the next morning. Dad took me to the ER and they did a CT scan and found my intestines twisted like a hose that gets kinked up. It was adhesions that caused my intestines to twist. Dr. Nichols did surgery and fixed it and 10 days later, I was home just on time for my dad's birthday. I closed on my house, ripped up the carpet, painted the walls. I say "I", but my dad and his friend did the floor and my sister and her family painted my house. I changed all the fixtures too. Before all that was done I started getting sick again and couldn't stop throwing up. I had ANOTHER bowel obstruction. This time it wasn't an easy fix. I went back in and we did surgery again to no avail. We ended up back at UAB and stayed there for a while and had several surgeries there as well. I had the best doctor and nurses I could have ever imagined. They became like family to me. I still stay in touch with my doctor and several nurses. It ended up being 84 days in the hospital and 8 months out of work. BUT.....I was living with mom and dad when it happened, I had severance and retention money from Movie Gallery that paid my bills during all the time out of work, my trailer sold,  and I had a job to go back to when I got well. Did God orchestrate this???? I believe he did. Not the bad stuff, but God knows what is going on in your life and he took care of me! If you just look for God, you will find him. I didn't see all of this until about a year later or so. Then one day, I went OMG!!! God worked this out for me!! There were days I would stare out the window while I was in the hospital at Flowers and watch the people driving by and think how much those people where taking driving for granted and why was I there! Why me? why anybody? It was hard, but in retrospect I saw how God orchestrated taking care of me and my family.

I don't know why I have been sick since I was 17, why I've had 11 surgeries, why I have breast cancer, but I do know God works these things out for our good and for his glory. All things work together for the good of the Lord, for those that love him. Romans 8:28. Sounds so crazy, but Shawn I got married Aug. 28, 1999. We wanted a verse read that had 8:28 in it! This is the one we used. I never realized how much it would mean in my life!  I still have my fleeting moments of bitterness and just being tired, but I am stronger in spirit. I still have a long, long way to go and am humbled by so many other people that have suffered way more than I have. I hope that this is not all in vain and that I don't have to keep learning these lessons over and over. I have learned so much trust through the years. Not in people, in God! I don't understand it, so I just trust him! It is not for our understanding. I am not a biblical scholar, don't get me wrong. I try to learn more all the time about the bible. I love hearing from other people that have a deep love for our savior and I love those that don't.  I would love to hear your comments on "suffering".

May the peace of Christ be with you! until next time....I pray that you find your blessings among the battles.